I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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