Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
