found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
