At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
