i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
