Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
