Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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