I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My cat gives me a boner
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
That accounts for only three of the penises
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
