HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
