Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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