If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
