It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
