So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
