Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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