Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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