OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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