Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
