insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
