i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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