did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
