i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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