Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
