So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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