i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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