Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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