There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
