I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
