I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
