and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just googled if crying burns calories
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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