Well douche your snatch and let's go!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
