The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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