The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
jump out the window naked night went bad
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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