I can text with my tongue
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
