Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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