Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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