There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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