my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
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