wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
