Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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