My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
