I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
