Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
