I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
