So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And my parents said I crawled through the house
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
