her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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