I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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