Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
