the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
