Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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