Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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